So. Maybe it's all about letting go.
You know of grudges. Receipts that fill your wallet so that you can't close it...
Weird nick-nacks of Christmas passed from the ex-girlfriend of your second cousin twice removed.
You know. Letting go of all the little voices that talk to you while you eat chocolate chips straight out of the bag at 11 pm ...
Or of fear.
The other day my husband said the most crazy thing to me. And for some reason * probably because he was right.. like usual* it was so true down deep to my soul. He said " Why won't you just let me love you. Just let me love you". Part of me thought that sounds so great! Another part of me thought - I CAN'T-. Slightly panicked and desperate. Where do those parts of us come from any ways...
My wanting to burst into tears, or flames, got me to thinking... why don't I just let him love me?
Then I decided I am a clincher. A hoarder... a grasper, clutcher. dig my nails in grabbing on, holding on so tighly-er. To... what? I have no idea. What is it. Safety maybe? Control? My heart. My...? I have no idea. But my bet is that it's control or something like it. I have this nagging feeling that I live my life in a weird, yet not so intense form of vague detachment. And in very rare self aware moments I realize very briefly that so much of my life is lived as a game where I keep my heart out of as much danger as possible. When I know that the most life is found where the greatest risks lie. I look back at my life so far and ask myself... girl for real? It wasn't all that. Why you actin all crazy? BUT then. I got to thinking... enough with all the self speculation and criticism. The shame and blame game. Say good-bye. Get to steppin. Don't let the big ass door hit you on the cheeks on your way out.
Because -> You know maybe some times it's in the small things. The over and over again things. The every day things. The TV things. The magazine things. The catastrophe things. The jerk boyfriend things. The mean condescending boss things. The lies. Small hurts. Small non-truths that circulate themselves around our world. So perhaps ->These small, over and over again things feed our natural tendency to fear.
I think my fear is that I won't survive the pain. Of whatever it is. Tragedy. Heart break... Fear of hurting in that place under my rib cage, behind my love handles, below my collar bone.
But I will survive. And so will you.
SO then. How do you step away from a fear induced life of detached-ness? How do you live in a broken world where you will be absolutely crushed and your heart will be torn out and stomped on by 6 inch Stiletto heels?
--> you cry big tears. yell. stomp. drink massive amounts of coffee. eat chocolate. talk. and cry some more.
AKA= FEEL.
So far the answer I have found is this: when you don't feel or let people love you ( my personal natural tendency.. ahem.) you DIE. Little by little. Silently. And then you all the sudden break down in very inconvenient places where people stare at you and give you their therapists' card.... Not good for any one.
SO in the words of Tim Keller. What kind of sermon's are we preaching to our hearts? What truth will we put before us? What words will we hear?
Really all of these lies, for me at least, have to do with feelings. And I'm learning a lot about feelings this year. I must say at most points they can not be completely trusted. Valid, yes. Good, definitely. Taken as the unbiased, truthful facts. H to the NO. It's in the truth baby.
For me the answer is Jesus and the hope he gives me and the love he supplies me with. And the GRACE he bestows upon me so I can -> let my husband love me. feel. not become a curly headed roaming the earth zombie.
How do YOU keep the truth before you and keep your heart alive? How do you un-zombie?
DO tell!
Duces!
<3
I LOVE YOU MORGAN. Your blogs relate to my heart on such a deep level that I can't even explain it.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see you in May <3
morgan! oh my, you write about stuff that is relevant to lots of, if not every, people.
ReplyDelete:) It's good. Jesus rocks.
- Alison
Girl! I love you and your blog! I so relate to this. It was so good seeing you and now id like to move to Pittsburgh haha.. Maybe next year. Anyways, thanks for keepin it real. This is great!
ReplyDelete~Brittany Miller
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI so completely agree with you. For me it is Jesus also. I put my faith & trust in Him & know that everything will be ok. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Thank you for the reminder :)
Jules
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a smart, lovely young lady. We all have those feelings and if we don't trust in Jesus the devil will use them to destroy us. I love you and appreciate you for sharing this. I would never have thought you would have these feelings, though.
So, is this a common Missionary Kid thing? I deal with this every day. I have just resumed journaling to keep reminding myself of the truth on a regular basis. I write down what I am feeling, assess with Biblical truth, and then will label it as a truth or a lie. If it is a lie, I will counter it (on paper) with the truth. It is funny, because as soon as I write it down, I immediately see that I am believing an irrational lie! And still, my dear husband keeps simply loving me. :) Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteoh friend...first year of marriage=Phil asking me that very question at least once every two weeks. second year=once every couple of months. third year= I can't put my finger on the last time. Its weird. for me, it has taken time to see and KNOW that what he says, he means--He is not going anywhere. He is here...with me. Then I think of my relationship with the Father. Why don't we allow Him to love us? We don't trust Him at His word...not because we don't want to, I think its because we've got too many other voices telling us the same thing...voices that are more tangible (so to speak) more present and more real more comfortable and less unpredictable and wild. We KNOW those voices. Its time to KNOW His voice and hear it above all the others. and this takes time, discipline, letting go. FEELING those things that hurt and make us poor in spirit. He tears us apart so that He might heal us and put us back together again (Hosea). I love you sister. thank you for your sharing truth here in this space.
ReplyDeleteMmm. Sam. Good point. I think there is something to being poor in spirit...
ReplyDeleteBeth! I think it may be a missionary kid thing. Or at least a human thing, and the missionary kid stuff hammers it in... or whats the doctor word... exacerbate?